May 8, 2015

The night our sweet Vivian was born was one of the most special and amazing nights of our lives.  The day had been a whirlwind and the urgency of the delivery brought a lot of anxiety to both Derek and me.  We got set up in the operating room, and the anesthesiologist, Dr. Silver, came in to give me my epidural.  I was SO nervous.  Derek said he could see my heartbeat in the artery in my neck! Dr. Silver was amazing and so nice, kind of like a sweet grandpa type to have close by during the C-section.  Speaking of which, having a C-section is the strangest thing I've ever experienced, to be completely numb but still feel pressure and my body moving around as Dr. Kammeyer performed the surgery.  Derek started up by my head but kept looking over the drape to see all the action.  When Dr. Kammeyer invited him to watch he couldn't pass up the offer.  He said it was much more invasive than he was expecting but that it was amazing to see the process.

It seemed to go pretty quickly, even though my nerves never lessened.  Having had an ultrasound that morning, knowing our babe weighed less than 3 pounds was terrifying.  I had been warned that we might not hear her cry out when she was born, and that they would whisk her away to be cared for by the neonatal team.  I'm convinced it was a blessing from heaven that our feisty little Vivian let out a cry when she was born--so her crazy mom would have a little bit of comfort.

Once she was out, they took her into a small room within the operating room to clean her up and assess what kind of care she needed right away.  Derek went in with her, which I was so thankful for, while Dr. Kammeyer stitched me up.  I was told that I probably wouldn't get to see or hold her for a while, depending on her condition.  I was so surreal, thinking that just 12 hours prior I had no idea we would have a baby that day, even though we knew it would be soon.  I definitely hadn't wrapped my head around the idea of our babe being in the NICU.  I don't think you can ever prepare for that, nor really know what it's like until you experience it.  I was a little loopy from all the meds and expected to have to wait to see our tiny angel.

As they wheeled me out of the operating room and into recovery, they stopped at the doorway where they had been working on little Vivian.  Then, all bundled up and still so tiny, they handed me this little miracle that was our babe.  She was so light it barely felt like anything was resting on my chest. She was perfect.  Derek bent down close to get a good look at her also.  The tiniest little hand reached up and rested on my chest, and my heart changed forever!  As cheesy as it sounds, I literally was overwhelmed with so much love for this little human that came straight from heaven.  The moment I held her and we had a moment together as a family was another blessing, since I didn't think I would get to hold her just yet.  We were told it doesn't happen very often, but she was stable enough for us to hold her for a quick minute before they took her to the NICU.  I think that was a sign of how strong she would be throughout her stay in the NICU and thereafter.

May 8, 2015 will always be one of the most special days for us, when we became parents.