A Year in a Nutshell

I had a goal to write at least one post per month- instead it's more like once a year.  I can't believe it has literally been a year since I last wrote down what's been happening in our lives.  It was a busy year!

Our last summer in Connecticut was bittersweet.  We spent lots of time with friends, having a BBQ every Thursday night by the pool.  We loved to sit around the fire and chat, and the kids loved running around the tennis court.  We spent time at the pool, ate ice cream at Wentworth's at least once a week, and enjoyed the beautiful canal road for many walks.  We went to a fireworks show on the beach and explored Westerly, RI.  We tried to make the most of our last few months on the East Coast and I think some of my very favorite memories were made during those months.  We were so excited to move home, but sad to see such a special time of our lives come to an end.  The time away is invaluable to me.  All of Vivian's firsts happened in our cute apartment there, and our simple living made Derek and I grow closer.  Even though there were many hard and lonely days, I'm so thankful we got to live there for 27 months.

Derek graduated.  Dad, Sue, Ash, and Kyle all came to CT to celebrate with us.  Mom coudn't come because she was finishing her chemo and radiation treatments.  We'll always be sad she couldn't be there.  We took them to our favorite spots-- Pepe's Pizza in New Haven, J. Timothy's, and Wentworth's (duh) for ice cream.  It was so fun to show them a little of where we lived and especially great to have family there to celebrate Derek and all of his accomplishments in PA school.  We also spent a day in NYC- we visited Ground Zero, took a ferry ride around the Statue of Liberty, got lost on the subway, went to the top of the Empire State Building, ate Levain Bakery cookies in Central Park, and went to a Yankees game. Viv was the best little traveler and as always, was so easy to have around.  She fell asleep in her stroller when she was tired, and was happy as a clam seeing all the sights of the Big Apple.  Our last weekend on the East coast was definitley busy and full of adventures and memory making.

Viv and I flew home to Utah with Dad, Ashley, and Kyle, and Sue and Derek made the trek across the country in the car.  We had all of our things shipped, including Derek's car, and that was quite the debacle.  We chose a less than stellar moving company who charged us more than double what they quoted us, and were basically just sketchy all around.  We wondered if our things would even arrive in Utah.  They did, but we learned that driving our belongings in a truck would have been the best way to go, even if it did take twice as long to make the trip.  

A few days after Derek made it to Utah, mom and I planned a surprise graduation/birthday party for him at the pool by Mom and Dad's house.  All of our friends and family came and it was the perfect night to celebrate Derek in every way.  Mom made tons of yummy food of course, and we had a fun cake made to look like a scrub top with medical supplies all around it.  To make the day even better, just before we left for the party I took a test and found out we were PREGNANT again! It was the best surprise- I thought for sure it would take a long time to get pregnant again like it did with Viv.  We had only been trying for about 3 months so it was a pleasant surprise.

We packed in some family trips before Derek started his job at Calton Harrison in October.  We traveled to the Oregon coast for the Smith family reunion.  It was Vivian's first time camping and she loved every second of it.  We drove in Sue's motor home and camped in yurts, which made the trip quite enjoyable with a toddler.  If we were in tents I might have felt differently.  But as usual, she was a great traveler and was perfectly content exploring around the camp site, picking up rocks, playing with her cousins, and getting covered in sand at the beach.  About a month after our Oregon trip we headed to Disneyland with all of Derek's family.  It was magical! I hadn't been since I was 15 and Derek hadn't been since he was 10.  Vivian was a little young to really appreciate all of the Disney magic, but she was definitely star struck when we got to meet princess Sophia from her favorite show, Sophia the First.  Being pregnant, I wasn't able to ride anything but the kiddie rides, but Vivian was too short for most of the regular rides so we got to spend lots of time together all the small rides.  She is easy to please and loved the theatrics and music everywhere.  We had long days at the park and we were all worn out by the end of the trip, but the memories were so worth it.  

In the fall Derek started his job and had to work through the difficulties of being the new guy, especially in the job you prepare for for years.  Derek is a perfectionist and expects a lot from himself, which makes him the perfect candidate for any job.  However, he's super hard on himself.  He learned the details of orthopedics quickly even though he'd tell you otherwise.  He works hard and is so smart.  Patients love him, of course.  He doesn't know if its a job he'll stay at long term, but as we approach his year mark he'll reasess his long term goals.  There is one doc he works with that is a real piece of work and makes the days spent with him pretty miserable.  Besides that one terrible person, Derek really enjoys all of his other colleagues.  As I type this, Derek is lying on the couch beside me because he just got home from doing a cycling relay with three of the guys he works with from Moab to St. George.  

We found out baby #2 would be a boy- and we were thrilled and surprised.  This pregnancy was completely different than my first, in that it was completely normal.  I was nauseated for the first trimester, had heartburn, craved sweets, ached in places I didn't know possible, and actually had a pregnant belly.  Baby boy grew right on schedule and didn't give us any surprises.  Sometimes I had a hard time believing everything would go smoothly, and anticipated getting preeclampsia again.  I didn't.  I hoped for a vbac delivery and got it, along with all the regular labor experiences.  (That is a story for another post.) 

Miss Vivian just turned three.  (I'm not crying, you are.) Our spunky little girl seems so old, especially with a new baby around.  Viv continued speech therapy till she turned 3, and has many more words than she did a year ago.  She is able to understand and communicate so much better, and we are amazed at her progress.  Shes just as fiesty as she has always been, and shows us her strong willed and stubborn side often.  But we are thankful for it.  She got glasses and is the cutest thing in them.  She loves to do anything outside, play with cousins and friends, and still gets most excited to see her Daddy and Gramps.  She's my best pal and I love that I get to be with her all day every day.  She'll start preschool at Canyon View in the fall, where she'll get lots of help with speech and her develpment.  I'm not ready for her to start school but know it will be so great for her, and I'm sure she'll love every second of it.  She loves her baby dolls, ("bebe") books, french fries and Diet Coke. She loves her minky blankets ("akie").  She still loves music and dancing, and most Disney movies.  She'd be content outside in the yard every hour of the day, picking up sticks and greeting the neighbors through the fence with a friendly "he-wow". She loves to color and play with Play-Doh. She can maneuver her way around a play ground and also loves the play land at McDonalds and Chick-fil-a.  There's not a person we greet that doesn't comment about her long, beautiful, thick auburn hair.  And there's not a person we meet that she doesn't cheerfully greet with a sweet smile or wave.  She is the absolute best and we love her more and more every day.    

We started our house hunt in the fall and after months of searching in a terrible buyer's market, we happened upon our dream house in a place we least expected-- one block away from Derek's childhood home. Glenn and Mary Galer were in Derek's ward growing up and were the only owners of the home.  They spent over 30 years there.  They raised their family and were planning to retire and move to Colorado to be closer to their kids.  One day, we asked Sue to call Mary and ask what their plans were, since we knew they'd be putting their house on the market soon.  They invited us to come look at the house and offered to sell the house to us cheaper if we could avoid using real estate agents.  It was fate.  We loved the house and it felt so right the second we walked across the threshhold.  We quickly decided that we had found our home.  Mom was able to help us get the right legal documents we'd need to sign with the Galers and we awaited the day we could move in.  After a crazy couple of months of moving out of Sue's and into Mom and Dad's hosue, all while preparing for baby boy, we offically moved in on April 7, five days before baby boy was born. It was a whirlwind couple of months but I wouldn't trade it for anything.  I love this home.  I feel so blessed to  have this home where we will raise our kids, and so blessed to have Derek that provides for our family and takes such good care of us.  I know he sacrifices a lot so that we can have this wonderful life and I am endlessly thankful for him.  It's been such a great year for our family and we know we have been SO blessed.

Derek Smith, PA

We got great news today!  Derek is getting a job offer from the Calton Harrison clinic!  He flew to Utah last month to interview there and for an Interventional Radiology job in Salt Lake.  He was super impressed and excited about this job prospect.  We've been crossing our fingers that he would get it.  Today his long time friend Austin Okelberry, who is a PA in the clinic, told him they'd be officially giving him the offer in the next few days!

I have to gush about how proud I am of Derek.  I got emotional for a minute last night because I just don't know how I got so lucky to have him.  He has worked SO hard during PA school to excel and do amazing so that he can get a great job like this. There have been so many HARD things he's been faced with during school and he always makes it through like a champ.  I'm so lucky to never have to worry that he will work hard and provide for our family. He got an offer from the IR job as well, but was really hoping to get this job. When he was talking to Austin on the phone he thanked him for helping him get things set up- but Austin said Derek totally did it all himself (of course I knew that already).  There were over 70 applicants and they interviewed people who had as much as 15 years of experience under their belt! I always knew Derek was a superstar but I love seeing other people see that in him also.  

We have been so blessed and I'm so thankful that we'll be back in Utah.  It's a little crazy that he will be back at McKay Dee Hospital, where he worked for 5 years before we moved to CT.  He knows the hospital, has many friends that work on the campus, and will be able to fall right back into a place where he feels comfortable and familiar.  Derek deserves every opportunity that he has been given because he never stops working towards his goals. We can't wait to be close to family again and back in beautiful Utah- our home!

Birthday Girl

Happy birthday sweet Viv! Today our little one is TWO.  I have actually been a little emotional today.  I feel like time moves so quickly, and while I am so happy that every day brings more learning and progression for her, of course I kind of just want her to be my baby forever.  But every day is definitely more fun than the last- she is like a little sponge right now and learning new things every day.

Her birthday celebrations started on Saturday night, we had some friends over for cake and ice cream.  Dallin, Nikole and Addy, Mariah and Nate, and Jaime and Vinny all came over to help us celebrate.  We sang to her and she loved that, then she actually ate some cake!  Last year we couldn't convince her to touch it so I was unsure if she'd be interested this year. She took some big bites and loved making a big old mess. We watched Moana and Mariah played with Addy and Viv and had them running around laughing a screaming and having so much fun.  We are so lucky to have such great friends here when we sure do miss our families for events like this.

Today we got up and ate pink pancakes for breakfast and opened some gifts.  Derek was scheduled to work nights this week but got sent home early last night, so he has actually been home today to celebrate with us! We love when he is home.  Viv had speech so we all went together then ate lunch at Chick-fil-a.  Viv eats so well there, she absolutely loves the chicken nuggets and especially the french fries.  We got her an ice cream cone but she wasn't into it.  I think she was full and getting tired and didn't want to be bothered.  She and Derek are both napping now and I get to write this post and think about our wonderful little toddler.

I heard this song by Sara Bareilles that was written for the broadway play called Waitress. It's called Everything Changes, and it's about being a mother.  I LOVE some of the lyrics because they describe how I feel so perfectly.

Today's a day like any other
But I am changed
I am a mother
Oh in an instant
And who I was has disappeared
It doesn't matter, now you're here
So innocent
I was lost for you to find
And now I'm yours and you are mine

Everything changes
My heart's at the wheel now
...Oh and it's true
What did I do to deserve you

The last line has been really how I feel lately.  I don't know how I got so lucky to have this perfect little human be mine, and ours, forever! It's so cliche to say that motherhood is the hardest yet most rewarding thing ever.  I never understood it till I had her, but it is 100% true.  I would literally do anything for her, to make her safe or happy.  And of course she makes me want to be better because I want to teach her to be a strong, smart, capable, kind, giving, loving person.

Vivian has amazed me these last two years.  Having such a tiny, fragile start makes me appreciate her growth even more.  She is already so amazing, but I'm sure that on her third birthday I will explain how much more she is next year.  Vivian, your momma loves you to the moon and back.

TWO (almost)

Clearly I'm not getting any better at journaling/bogging.  Thank heavens social media somewhat keeps track of our doings so that we have SOMETHING to look back on.

Vivian will be 2 in TWO weeks. (*crying*) The progress she has made in the past year is AMAZING.  She is such a little smarty pants.  Her little personality evolves and grows every day and it is the best thing to watch.  She is endlessly sweet, yet strong-willed, determined, and stubborn all at the same time.

SHE EATS! A day we thought would never come! She's still a little picky but will usually taste almost anything.  Then she'll decide if she wants more or not.  A typical Vivian menu consists of oatmeal, eggs, Spaghetti O's, mac and cheese, hot dogs, tomatoes, strawberries, blueberries, cheddar and sour cream Ruffles chips, goldfish crackers, and cheerios.  Considering that last year at this time she only ate 3 different kinds of baby purees, we are THRILLED that she eats as well as she does.  She still has to be watching a show while she eats to have some distraction, but as long as she gets the calories, we'll take it. She still takes a few bottles each day, one before bed and one at midnight to get her through the night.  She's still drinking Elecare junior formula and we add cornstarch in her midnight bottle. This makes it so we can go 7 hours overnight without feeding.  Hallelujah!! I never thought I'd see that day either- and this has SERIOUSLY helped with my sanity.

SHE SPEAKS! (a little.) For a very long time in speech therapy we worked on eating.  We only started working on actual speech about 6 months ago.  Viv is smart- she knows what's going on.  She understands what people say to her, and is slowly starting to verbalize herself.  These are the signs and words she knows:
More- signs and just says the "mmmm" sound
All done- signs and says "ah-duh ah-duh ah-duh" She does this often to try to be done eating :)
Bye bye- waves
Hi- says "hiii" in a low voice
Give me- signs and says "da da" She does this a lot when she wants some of our Diet Coke.
Go- literally started doing this TODAY. After saying ready, set, she responds with "doh!"

SHE WALKS! This might be the biggest accomplishment of them all.  Viv started crawling last September, when she was 16 months old.  She went from being basically immobile to crawling around everywhere and loving the independence.  We still worked on ordering a walker with her physical therapist since we really didn't think she'd walk for a long time.  She started cruising around the furniture and surprised us all when she took her first steps while we were home in Utah for Christmas. I think being around lots of cousins gave her the motivation to keep up with them.  And it was one of the best days ever!! It was definitely one of my proudest moments as a parent--to see her do something that I know was so hard and that took a lot of work to accomplish.  Since then she's just been walking (and almost running) everywhere.

She loves being chased, tickled, and wrestled.  Especially with Derek.  He is the tickling king around here.  He can get her laughing so much harder than I ever can.  She loves books--we often find her in her room thumbing through every book we own.  She still loves Sofia the First and Daniel Tiger. Her favorite movies right now are Moana, Trolls, and Sing. We usually watch any assortment of these shows while she's eating.  And I'm trying to be better about limiting it to that.  She loves to be outside. Even just to walk outside to the mailbox she can explore the tiniest things with enjoyment. She is just starting to learn how to crawl up on the furniture--and is quite mischevious about it when we try to keep her off of it so that she doesn't fall and break an arm.  Music is still one of her favorite things and she loves to wave her hands and dance.  She's starting to like pretend play and it's so sweet to watch her play with her baby doll.  She gives her a bottle and walks her in the baby stroller.  These days most of her favorite toys aren't actually toys- but water bottles, loose papers, my makeup brushes, or Derek's earplugs.  She mostly just loves getting into things she knows she shouldn't.

Viv's Hyperinsulinism is still very much a part of our lives, but I finally feel like I have a handle on it.  She still responds to Diazoxide which is a blessing.  She takes .8 ml/ twice a day.  Her blood sugar will still dip a little low from time to time but it can be controlled by food.  If we can get her to eat something or drink a bottle it goes back up. Thank heavens for Derek.  He gives me a lot of confidence with this condition that I never knew existed before this child.  He understands it more than me (obviously) and is always the source of calm when I'm acting like a literal crazy person. We had genetic testing done that came back inconclusive- so she doesn't have any gene mutations causing the disease.  We are heading to the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia in May for an admission, where they are basically the mecca for CHI.  Viv will have a fasting test done to see how long she can go without food before her blood sugar drops. We are looking forward to working with the doctors there to see if they want to change anything with her treatment.  Dr. Riba at CCMC has been nothing but amazing, but we are excited to take the opportunity to go to CHOP while we're here on the east coast.

Derek is applying for jobs!! He is in his last rotation right now in OB/GYN.  It's not his favorite but he does enjoy helping with the deliveries.  He has 4 more weeks and then he'll be back in the classroom over the summer.  The amount of pride and praise I have for him deserves its own blog post- which will come.  In a nutshell- he is AMAZING.

ONE

Miss Vivian is ONE! I can't believe it.  The past year has gone so fast, yet at times it felt like it was crawling! So much has happened and we feel like the luckiest parents in the world to have her sweet spirit bless our lives each day.  The past year has been the hardest so far, but also the most amazing.  I can't even describe how thankful I am to be Vivian's momma.  I love her more and more every day and I think one day my heart just might burst.

I wanted to write some things down so that we remember exactly how she was on this day, her first birthday.

• We are very involved with Birth to Three, physical, occupational, and speech therapy, endocrinology, and continue to check in regularly with a slew of other specialists.  The therapy has been amazing and so helpful.  Vivian doesn't always love it, but she's allowed to be feisty because it's what has gotten her this far.  
• She loves to be tickled and wrestle with Derek.  He can get some amazing belly laughs out of her and it is one of my favorite things to watch.  
• She's still primarily fed from a bottle but we are working hard on the solids.  We still feed her every 3.5 hours round the clock, although we are working on stretching it to 4-5 hours overnight.  Her glucose hasn't allowed us to do that consistently yet, but we're hoping for the best. 
• She likes green beans and sweet potatoes the most and is getting so much better at moving the food around in her mouth and working those little mouth muscles of hers.  
• When given graham crackers, baby puffs, or any textures other than purees she immediately gags and sometimes throws up.  Speech therapy will be helping us with her aversion to texture. 
• Vivian can sit up by herself, reach for toys all around her, assisted standing, roll from her belly to her back, and lay on her side with a little bit of help. 
• She still hasn't rolled from her back to her belly or started to crawl.  These are things we continually work on with physical therapy and I know one day she'll just surprise us and be moving around all over the place! 
• We still give her medication every 8 hours--the yucky Diazoxide.  We will be having some more genetic testing done next month in hopes of finding some more answers concerning her hyperinsulinemia which she has yet to grow out of.  
• We still check her glucose 2-3 times a day and it doesn't even phase her.  We can poke her while she's sleeping and she only stirs a little.  
• She loves music.  Singing songs, listening in the car, commercial jingles (currently the Cheerios commercial with moms dancing with their kids, and an obnoxious University of Phoenix song that is the melody of "If I Only Had a Brain" from the Wizard of Oz), performances on tv, toys that make music--you name it.  If it makes music she loves it. 
• She is nearing 20 pounds and has caught up on all of the growth charts for weight, height, and head circumference in a normal range.  (I'd list exact numbers but we see the pediatrician tomorrow for her one year well visit.) 
• She has been on 3 round trip plane rides and has been an angel on every single one.  
• Her hair continues to grow long and thick and auburn.  We get comments everywhere we go about how beautiful that head of hair is.  We thoroughly enjoy all of the comments. 
• She has two little bottom teeth that are the cutest thing ever.  We haven't noticed any more teeth coming yet but she sure does love to chew on every single thing. 
• She loves her minky blankets and won't eat or sleep without them. She always sleeps with the blanket on her face which drives me crazy but I've learned to calm down about it.  
• She actually fits in 12 month clothes, but can still squeeze into even 3-6 month pants.  She's a petite little thing.  
• She loves watching Daniel Tiger while she plays with her toys on the living room floor.  
• She still takes two naps a day and sleeps amazing through the night. However, there has been phases where she will wake up and cry out at night, but only because she wants to be snuggled or sleep in bed with us. 
• Her favorite time of day is definitely bath time.  The minute we walk into the bathroom she gets a big old grin on her face.  She loves to splash and suck on bath toys and I love to wash her luscious hair.  
• She loves to ride in the stroller and go on walks.  She also loves to stop at the swings while we're out on our walk. 
• She loves books and being read to--which we love because we love reading to her at night before bed. 
• She loves to watch High School Musical 3 on our bed while I take a shower, get ready, fold laundry, etc.  Again, she loves the songs and I'm so glad to have passed on my love of musicals to her at such an early age.  
• She loves watching other kids but gets very quiet and reserved around them.  Maybe she's going to be shy like her momma? 
• She just met her Campbell cousins for the first time this week when we went to visit Tiff and Jay and the kids.  They were all so sweet with her and she loved playing with them and watching their every move.  
• We like to face time with family and when we do she whines and reaches for the phone because she wants to hold it.  

Derek is starting finals week in his last semester of the didactic year! It is so exciting.  He has worked SO hard this last year and has done amazing.  He realized he has taken 63 exams over those 3 semesters.  He will start clinical rotations the first week of June!  I am so thankful for his hard work.  I know it has been excruciating at times for him but he always gives 100% in everything he does.  We are so lucky to have a husband and dad that will always provide and take care of us.  I am so excited for this little break coming up between semesters so we can play, relax, and see some of the sights on the east coast that we have yet to see.  

I know I will look back on this time of our lives with such fond memories and appreciation that we had this adventure as a family.  It helps that we have so much love and support from our families as well. I love my husband and my babe more than words can say!

My friend Karli took some of the sweetest pictures for her first birthday, and Tiff took some when we were at her house also.  

NICU Memories

I'm obviously still terrible at blogging.  One day I will do it regularly.  Hopefully soon.

I wrote this entry a while ago, when I was thinking about Vivian's stay in the NICU.  While it's still hard to even think about, I never want to forget the memories of how our little one came into our lives.  This list sums up most of what we remember about those dreaded but heavenly days.  (Get ready, it's lengthy.)

·     Vivian was in the NICU for 46 days.
·      We were told many times that our little one was super feisty.  We considered this a great thing because she was determined to get out of there.
·      Never had to be intubated.  Started on oxygen with a nasal cannula but was breathing on her own after just 3-4 days.  There were several times she was put back on oxygen but only on a room air level.  For the most part, she was a rock star at breathing.
·      Had a feeding tube for the majority of her stay.  She pulled it out on her own (again, feisty!) about 3 weeks before she was sent home. We were able to start bottle feeding once she was able to eat again, so she didn't have to have her tube placed again.   
·      Every 3 hours, her bum was changed, temperature checked, oxygen monitor moved, and fed through her tube.  They call this Care times.  We tried to be there for the majority of these Care times so that we could be the ones to care for our little one.
·      We practiced nursing a number of times.  She was just starting to get the hang of it when she was forced to fast due to tummy problems.  Which leads to…
·      There were 3 separate times when she wasn’t fed any food through her feeding tube.  She was sustained on IV fluids but nothing was put in her belly to help her belly get better.
·      Her belly issues were due to slow gut motility.  There were early signs of infection (a call in the middle of the night telling us she had bloody stool) but she never got necrosis in her bowels (thank heavens).
·      Since her belly was so sensitive, she could never tolerate the fortifiers they added to my breast milk.  These are what usually triggered her digestive problems.
·      She had a number of abdomen x-rays to see what was going on in that cute little belly. 
·      We FaceTimed with Derek almost every day.  He also watched on the webcam above her isolet when he was at school. 
·      Her glucose issues started to present themselves when they tried to wean her off the IV fluids.  Once this started, they had to prick her heel and test her glucose levels before feeds every 6 hours. 
·      The highlight of every day was when I could do skin to skin or “kangaroo care” with my mini baby.  After care time and while she was fed through her tube, I could hold her on my chest for as long as I wanted. Viv loved this snuggle time also and slept very well while her momma held her.  
·      She received a blessing from Grandpa and Scott Heiner one of the times they tried to wean her off the fluids in hopes she wouldn’t have to have a glucagon challenge.  Derek was there in spirit, with the help of FaceTime. 
·      She ended up failing the glucagon challenge, and after consulting with the endocrine team at Primary Children’s, the doctors started her on Diazoxide.  None of the nurses had ever heard of or administered this medication. 
·      On 3 separate occasions they tried to start a PICC line, since a good vein was beginning to be hard to find and she needed to be on IV fluids a while longer.  Each time she was poked 6-7 times, with no success any of the times.  This was especially traumatic for me.  Thankfully, she didn’t need to be transferred to Primary Children’s for a PICC line and they continued to find veins to place IV’s.
·      She had IV’s in her feet, arms, hands, and my least favorite—scalp. 
·      The doctors in the NICU often likened the NICU experience as a rollercoaster.  There are lots of ups and downs with the babies.  There were days Vivian made lots of strides and days where she had setbacks.  It was also an emotional rollercoaster for this new momma.
·      Her love of bathing started in the NICU, and especially loved getting her hair washed.  This was one of my favorite things to do with her, and a favorite thing to see for Grammy and Grandpa.
·      All of the doctors, NP’s, and nurses were amazing.  We always felt so lucky to have confidence that our babe was being cared for by amazing people when we couldn’t be there.
·      Some of our favorite nurses were KD, Tami, Cami, Janae, Katie, Natalie, and Kristy.  Kristy was her nurse the night she was born and the last night before she went home.  Teresa Warwood, one of the NP’s, willingly called Derek often to give him detailed updates of Viv’s condition.  Dr. Miner was the doctor who worked on her just after she was born.  ALL of the staff in the NICU was amazing and we will always remember their kind, loving gestures during the time we spent there.
·      It was so exciting when she was able to fit in preemie-sized clothes.  I also loved picking out bows for her. 
·      Viv took a pacifier as soon as she was born and loved to suck on it.  She loved it so much she would suck too hard and it would pop right out of her mouth if it wasn’t held in.
·      She loved the “frogs” they put on top of her blankets.  They were small bean bags that provide a little weight on tiny preemie bodies.  This was very comforting for Vivian. 
·      We got to know a sweet mom named Danielle whose babe was next to Vivian.  She was beautiful and kind and left some preemie clothes for Vivian with a note when her baby was discharged.  It was so nice to be surrounded by kind people during such a traumatic time.  

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We went and visited the NICU while we were in Utah for the holidays and it was great to see some of our favorite nurses and providers, and especially great to show them the progress Vivian has made.  While we continue to cart her around to countless doctor and therapy appointments, poke her foot to check her glucose, and force her to swallow disgusting medicine, not a day goes by that she doesn't smile at us and bring an overwhelming amount of happiness to our lives.  And then this long list of slightly heartbreaking memories is totally worth it.  

May 8, 2015

The night our sweet Vivian was born was one of the most special and amazing nights of our lives.  The day had been a whirlwind and the urgency of the delivery brought a lot of anxiety to both Derek and me.  We got set up in the operating room, and the anesthesiologist, Dr. Silver, came in to give me my epidural.  I was SO nervous.  Derek said he could see my heartbeat in the artery in my neck! Dr. Silver was amazing and so nice, kind of like a sweet grandpa type to have close by during the C-section.  Speaking of which, having a C-section is the strangest thing I've ever experienced, to be completely numb but still feel pressure and my body moving around as Dr. Kammeyer performed the surgery.  Derek started up by my head but kept looking over the drape to see all the action.  When Dr. Kammeyer invited him to watch he couldn't pass up the offer.  He said it was much more invasive than he was expecting but that it was amazing to see the process.

It seemed to go pretty quickly, even though my nerves never lessened.  Having had an ultrasound that morning, knowing our babe weighed less than 3 pounds was terrifying.  I had been warned that we might not hear her cry out when she was born, and that they would whisk her away to be cared for by the neonatal team.  I'm convinced it was a blessing from heaven that our feisty little Vivian let out a cry when she was born--so her crazy mom would have a little bit of comfort.

Once she was out, they took her into a small room within the operating room to clean her up and assess what kind of care she needed right away.  Derek went in with her, which I was so thankful for, while Dr. Kammeyer stitched me up.  I was told that I probably wouldn't get to see or hold her for a while, depending on her condition.  I was so surreal, thinking that just 12 hours prior I had no idea we would have a baby that day, even though we knew it would be soon.  I definitely hadn't wrapped my head around the idea of our babe being in the NICU.  I don't think you can ever prepare for that, nor really know what it's like until you experience it.  I was a little loopy from all the meds and expected to have to wait to see our tiny angel.

As they wheeled me out of the operating room and into recovery, they stopped at the doorway where they had been working on little Vivian.  Then, all bundled up and still so tiny, they handed me this little miracle that was our babe.  She was so light it barely felt like anything was resting on my chest. She was perfect.  Derek bent down close to get a good look at her also.  The tiniest little hand reached up and rested on my chest, and my heart changed forever!  As cheesy as it sounds, I literally was overwhelmed with so much love for this little human that came straight from heaven.  The moment I held her and we had a moment together as a family was another blessing, since I didn't think I would get to hold her just yet.  We were told it doesn't happen very often, but she was stable enough for us to hold her for a quick minute before they took her to the NICU.  I think that was a sign of how strong she would be throughout her stay in the NICU and thereafter.

May 8, 2015 will always be one of the most special days for us, when we became parents.